As others have already written it is easy to summarise ones life into facebook status updates. I am one of those people that think of what they would like to say but I never quite get around to updating my wall. Yesterday was one of those days where I would have like to have said:
“Miracles are alive and well in the Hartley household – John has eaten broccoli by himself”
This would shortly have been followed by another update:
“Disaster – John has worked out how to remove unpalatable food from his mouth – namely vomiting”
A little later I rejoiced:
“We have 2 new teeth!”
And at what was supposed to be bedtime I was thinking:
“Eeeek! John has learnt to pull himself up in his cot – I fear he is never likely to sleep again”
When I then collapsed onto the sofa at 9pm I made several reflections on the events of my day. Firstly – I am now one of those people that only ever seem to talk about their kids. I ridiculed these people before I had John, I thought how sad, how one dimensional, how boring. And that is now me. I think that is why I keep my status updates to myself; I don’t want everyone else to know what I have become. In fact many of you won’t have even got this far into this article because it’s about babies. In fact the title may have put you off; actually I may change the title to hopefully entice a few more readers!
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Secondly, no wonder I can’t keep my eyes open past 9.25pm, I have spent my day on an emotional roller coaster, the highs are so high but the lows feel appalling. I used to be one of those people others described as ‘grounded’. Often, much to the frustration of the husband, I spent my time on an emotional plateau, I wouldn’t get really excited about much but I wouldn’t nose dive into the pits of despair either.
Oh how things have changed.
Talking to a dear friend about John turning one the other day she described this milestone as bittersweet and I couldn’t sum it up better myself. This one word totally encapsulates the stage I am at. John is incredible and each time he does something new (which is a lot at the moment) I am in awe of his achievements. But a tension exists where I feel sad that the ‘baby stage’ is slipping away. I noticed recently that John has lost his baby smell, that warm, clean, softness which you can actually breath in when you smell a baby. This has been replaced by what I can only describe as a ‘boy’ smell, a little bit of mud, a little bit of wee and a little bit of lunch which has gone crispy behind his ears!
The other element of ‘bitterness’ in this bittersweet scenario is the lows I facebooked above. This journey of parenting is still so flipping hard that small ‘hiccups’ in my day take on a disproportionate significance and literally I am spiralling downwards so fast I can hardly catch my breath. Perhaps this is what is in store from now on? I know I could live without the lows but is it only by experiencing the difficult bits that the good bits seem even more incredible? Maybe we need this contrast in order to appreciate the best there is? Like Christine I think I am feeling a bit nostalgic for what I look back on as my emotionally stable or perhaps I have my rose tinted glasses on?
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Jen, you’re such an inspiration…..I love reading your stories with anticipation of how I will too experience the highs and the lows, I just hope I can keep a little perspective on it all! xxxJen C
I hear you, Jennie! It’s a real roller coaster, with the highs and lows sometimes only having hours between them! It’s so important to know we all go through the same thing -it’s not easy, this parenting lark!